Gratitude and the Mental Breakdown
This morning, l woke up with back pain, a vexing problem that’s been after me for a while now. But back pain or not, when you’re the sole person responsible for getting two kids ready for school, the show must go on - somehow.
On top of that, I just found out there’s mold in the apartment, two friends coming over this afternoon, missing toothbrush, work deadlines, and yada and yada (if you are interested in reading about the Plight of the Single Mama, more here). Mentally assessing the long task list ahead of me, my agitation started growing. I began to plead with my kids for more help. But it didn’t feel rational or empowered; rather it had a tinge of desperation and very much like I was making my burden their burden. So I started to cry.
Now in the past, this would have likely brought me to a place of shame, that I wasn’t able to conceal my distress in front of my kids, that I couldn’t give them the facade of having a perfectly carefree childhood full of ponies and rainbows. They would have to know that sometimes it’s too much for their mother; and that sometimes she breaks down, etc…; ie, mother guilt.
Enter the 20 second hug.
Oh, the 20 second hug, how many times you saved us! My friend Lynn once recommended a Brene Brown podcast, featuring Emily Nagoski and Amelia Nagoski. It’s about completing the stress cycle, and one of the ways they suggest doing this is with a 20 second hug. Not a quick pat, but a long, full-on 20 second hug. When I listened to the podcast, I immediately thought about using this as a tool to help my small children complete their stress cycles.
And it worked! We began using it, adding in some deep breaths, and I am telling you - it all but supplants the need for any other discipline. There wasn’t much we couldn’t resolve with a 20 second hug.
But guess what, I get stressed too. And I have my own version of the tantrum.
“I’m sorry,” I told them, tears in my eyes. “I think I’m just having a hard morning.”
My apology was met with skepticism.
“I think I need a 20 second hug.”
“Oh, ok!”
They know about this - they know it works. They know I’ve been compassionate toward them when they haven’t acted their best. They also know I too deserve compassion when I haven’t acted my best. So one after the other, we practiced the 20 second hug, and we took deep breaths on counts of 5.
Afterwards, it felt like they left for school in a better place than had the morning been all ponies and unicorns (which are great sometimes!) But today, they left knowing that it’s ok to have a breakdown sometimes, that there are ways to repair ruptures, and that in our pain, we can grow closer together. Ok, sigh.
The story doesn’t end here for me though. My kids left for school, and I gave myself permission to finish the meltdown, this time in private. Then I decided it was time to shift. Meditation and gratitude help me do that. After meditation, I began to write down a few things, that in the midst of this struggle, are still there for me: steady, present, supportive, available.
My list began with the 20 second hug, and now continues with this story I share with you.
Wishing a good day to all, xx
ps, I imagine that dog didn’t make it past the 2 second hug, but great picture though.
